As much as I love living in NYC, and I really love it; there is something comforting about going back home and hitting the reset button. For the past week I am coming at you from Cleveland, OH. Well, Broadview Heights, OH to be exact. Pause for reaction.
Steve and I were attending a wedding this past weekend, and I decided to make a week of it. Working for myself, I can really set up shop anywhere. All I need is a couch, and a coffee, and ideally a dog to snuggle with. I have all 3 here at Casa Butler.
Being here with my family, and working amongst the quiet, (and I mean really quiet) gives you quite a bit of time to be in your own thoughts. This is nothing new for me, as I pretty much live in my own thoughts at all times. Since my diagnosis, I have tried very hard to maintain a pretty normal life. Working out, maintaining my career, going out with friends, enjoying an occasional glass of wine, etc. However, what has changed for me is the way in which I spend this time.
Coming home used to be such a huge source of anxiety for me. In years past, if I had 4 days home in Cleveland, I would pack them with activities and hangouts with friends. I would have a breakfast, lunch, and dinner set up, and then I would have a happy hour situation set up. I wouldn't usually give much thought into spending time at home, and would just want to be out and about. I didn't want to offend anyone. I didn't want any of my friends to think I didn't care.
Over the years, I have majorly mellowed on this whole concept. Enter, Breast Cancer diagnosis, and I now know I need to practice better self care. This is the first time I have been home since I was diagnosed, and I knew I would be a hot ticket item for that reason. I have a really great group of friends back here that care a lot, and haven't seen me in awhile.
Be that as it may, my feelings of anxiety started to surface. I started thinking about how I could fit it all in? Who would make the cut this time, and who wouldn't? I don't want anyone to feel left out. And then... I stopped myself. Why am I letting myself get so stressed about this? It isn't; possible to see everyone, and do everything.
So instead, I chose me. I made plans with a few people that I haven't seen in a long time, and that's it. I don't have a car here, so I am at the mercy of others; but I sort of like not having the freedom to just go. I need to plant my roots here at Mom and Dad's for the week and not be so concerned with trying to get to everyone and everything. That has always been my problem. I want to do it all. See everyone. Do everything. It is what has made me successful, but also what has taken me down.
Bottom line, I sometimes forget how much I am going through. I am so concerned with trying to live a normal life, that I forget the reason I am trying so hard. This is a time of healing for me. And if healing means watching reruns of Anthony Bourdain and drinking tea with my parents instead of hitting one of the many new Cleveland hot spots, then so be it. I choose me.